Super long-winded post.

It hurts to love someone when you can’t tell what you really feel. Because sometimes we get hurt without them knowing, we get jealous without the right the feel that way, we want their time without being in the position to demand for it, until our heart breaks in silence. But despite it, we continue to love ‘cause somehow, in this hurtful love there’s still the hope of having simple moments with them, even if it means being just a friend. ~ Immissingyou

Woah I'm blogging so frequently now! Hahaha.

Today had Physics SPA 2 @ 8am in school today. It was badly screwed up, urgh. Graph was supposed to be a straight line but mine was a CURVE!!! Other people also. By far the worst SPA ever, by the end a lot of people were thinking, "Wah, confirm cmi lah." :/

Headed home, used computer and discussed about debate with Omar. Then he tell me that debate today was cancelled so I went to take a nap. More than an hour later, I woke up @ 2.15pm and checked my phone only to realise that there WAS debate training! At 2pm some more wth. I was feeling major upset and confused because I had to rush + felt major cranky as well. What went running through my mind was, "Cui lah, today confirmed RUINED liao urrrrggghh."

By 3.15pm I managed to bathe + eat and leave the house. Reached school at about 3.40pm, had a rather slow session today?

Left the school with others and seniors at about 5pm. Walked all the way to interchange and then I forgot that I haven't topped up my card yet + buy new pen (else can say goodbye to finishing homework) so I walked back to do those. At White Sands there was this Ronald Macdonalds clown entertaining children... so cute. (:

Makes me wish I were younger and that innocent, you get what I mean?

Don't have to worry about my future, studies, boys, emotions. Back then the only thing I'd ever cry about was about my brother bullying me, or when I fell out with my best friend (also my neighbour) over little things. Haha, I even remembered storming to that friend's house, demanding she gave me back all the things I gave her and vice versa.

Now that I'm older I worry more than just falling down, falling out, falling sick. I worry about falling apart, falling in love. And you realise that all these terms that begin with "falling" aren't very good, haha. But then again, guess it's all part of growing up and I really need to be a more responsible person. I realise it's gonna take a lot and lot of discipline on my part and it's definitely gonna be harder for a lazybum like me.

But you see... I don't need anyone walking ahead or behind of me. I don't need a leader, because I may not follow. I don't need a follower because I may not lead. Instead, I need someone I care for to just be there and walk beside me, to be my shoulder and motivation. That's all I ask for, haha. Unfortunately I don't think I've found any such person yet so yeah. Time to be more independent. (:

To further illustrate my laziness: I was so addicted to using the laptop that I cannot be bothered to go out and buy my own dinner. In fact, scratch that. I couldn't even be bothered to pick up the phone and order McDelivery. Instead I ordered straight from the internet LOL. SIMPLE RIGHT! Hahaha no need to stand up and talk or whatever. Website is mcdelivery.sg btw.

Haven't completed a single homework again today... only half done with my english proposal writing. How productive, Gen. -_-

Anyway, tomorrow got prayer meeting @ 1pm at Shengjie's house with the other Coral for Christ people. ^^ Cannot wait haha. After that I plan to camp somewhere (Loyang Point/White Sands Mac) to chiong my holiday homework. WHO WANT PEI ME? Haha or maybe not because I may get distracted (and hence productivity rate will decrease again).

Shall slack for the rest of the night and wait for tomorrow.

p/s: Digressing, some times people question me about certain issues and I cannot be bothered to elaborate. Because you can tell whether or not they're really curious OR they've already a deep-rooted impression that isn't gonna be changed by few words, and all they wanna do is say their stand/views and let it be recognised. All I can honestly do is... well, nothing much. Which is usually the case lah.

Because I've given up on the use of words to change one's mind/impression on such sticky issues. I realise actions speak louder than words, and I'm probably not in a very good position to speak with actions. I'm still keeping myself in check, I'm still trying to live my life right. Maybe, a few years down the road I'll be more answerable, I think.

On that note... I realised that my attitude has changed a considerable lot in the past half a year or something, after I returned back to church. In the past I was insecure, still looking for an identity. I'd try to find this identity in the people around me but that hasn't worked out well. I'd critisize and judge others without hesitation and I had a bad temper/attitude. Very argumentative, tended to spew vulgarities non-stop when provoked. I read back my past archives and that really proved aforementioned point. Hahaha. Shuenjin also says that in the past, every time he wanna talk to me he must prepare a string of words to use because I can talk back like machine gun wth. Haha!

I don't know about your views on whether or not I've changed considerably or not (for all I know you may be thinking that Gen is the same old person as before) but I've only brought this up with 2~3 people, of which they all agreed that they do see the change, slight or not. These three people are Ivan, Shuenjin and Wendy btw haha.

Some people are afraid of such change... so am I, haha. But I really wish to become a much better person, who is more likeable and righteous. This year's definitely gonna be really tough for me, especially since 'O' levels are gonna place mad loads of pressure on me... I'm not one to work well under stress haha. Let time tell if I'm really gonna rise up well. ^^

Because... if I can't handle my final year in secondary school well, then how will I be able to do even greater things for God?